Review: Been There, Haven't Done That by Tara McCarthy

Seems a little odd to call a memoir about not having sex a sexual memoir, but that is indeed what this "virgin's memoir" really is. McCarthy decided long ago that her virginity was not something to be given lightly and she chronicles the many failed relationships in her past that make her glad to have stuck to her principles. She fully admits that she is quite sexually experienced for a virgin. And there are some discussions in the book that might make the reader wonder just what definition of sex she's using in declaring herself a virgin. Some might be unkind enough to say that she's using the same definition that the news would have you believe is prevalent in high schools today (that oral sex is not in fact sex) or to which one of our former Presidents subscribed. Clearly she's of the camp that only actual penetration of one sexual organ by another counts. I disagree with her but thought her account of her relationships up to age 25 would be interesting despite our differing viewpoints.

Sex aside, her relationships are the same as relationships the world over, fraught with the same problems as any other. Interestingly, the older she gets, the less pressure she faces from her boyfriends (most fairly short term--she says she averaged about 4 months or so in a relationship there at one point) to have sex and she is conflicted about this. She spends much of the book repeatedly asserting that she is happy with her choice to remain a virgin and reflecting that her decision is more about her than about the guys in her life but it's a little disingenuous for her to be bothered when they respect her decision without pressuring her.

She does touch on the pervasiveness of sex in our culture and the way that we readily assume, even expect, sexual relationships between couples. She talks about her early feelings that virginity was shameful, something to hide and the way in which she has come to be proud of her sticking to her convictions and openly admits to her virginity (after all, how much more open can you be than to publish a book announcing it to the world?). The big problem is that she merely touches on these aspects of her decision while detailing her fairly repetitive relationship exploits. While the topic is thought-provoking, the book went on too long, starting to sound as if she had written it to help convince herself that her stance was indeed the one in which she wanted to continue. Now I don't think that's actually true, but the refrain was very much in the broken record vein by the time I turned the last page. Certainly a provocative subject, I wish there had been more memoir or more sociological study, not a tepid mix of the two.

ThemeQuest Reading Challenge

Choose a theme and read about it for the year. Intriguing, no? The Themequest Reading Challenge challenges readers to do just that. Now I know the rules state that you had to sign up before Dec. 31st and it is clearly long past that but I'm hoping it counts that I signed up in my own crowded little head on time (really, pinky swear). If not, c'est la vie and I'll pretend it's okay anyway since I intend to try and read the books no matter whether I'm allowed to bend the rules or not.

Here's the deal:

Choose one word you want to focus on during 2010—your “theme” for the year.

Usually it will be a word related to improving one’s life—words such as happiness, balance, simplicity, creativity, abundance, serenity… or come up with your own!

Then—read books related to that word.


Choose your level of participation:

THEME THING: Read 5 books related to your theme—at least 1 fiction and 1 nonfiction.

THEME MANIA: Read 7 books related to your theme—at least 2 fiction and 2 nonfiction.

THEME SUPREME: Read 10 books related to your theme—at least 3 fiction and 3 nonfiction.


Rules:
1. The challenge runs from January 1 – December 31, 2010.
2. Participants may join anytime before December 31.
3. Re-reads and overlaps with other challenges are fine.
4. Audiobooks count!
5. No need to list your books beforehand, and no need to write reviews.
6. Create an intro post linking to this blog.
7. Then sign up here via Mr. Linky (below), using your intro post’s address. Please use this style: blog name (theme word); e.g., Unruly Reader (balance)
8. Add a Comment to this post, telling us your theme word and your level of participation.

So are you all going to laugh at me when I say my theme word is sex? (Mom, please close your eyes about now and don't open them again until the next post.) Yes, it's not really on a par with the other words that people are using that will improve their lives, like laughter, abundance, creativity, faith, happiness, etc. But I think sex is important (and so does my husband) in happy marriages and since I have about zero libido anymore, I thought a focus on the topic might help improve that. And I'm not talking about reading steamy romances to fulfill the theme (although I'm not above that either), I'm talking about fairly serious stuff (or not serious sounding but seriously intended). Now despite the fact that my husband would like me to read books about sex all day every day, I am only going to shoot for 5 books because really, how many other peoples' sex lives do I want to read about in this quest? I can always read more if I find that I like being a voyeur, right? So here's my list of proposed books (one of which I've already read and reviewed already this year):

1. The Sexual Life of Catherine M. by Catherine Millet
2. Been There, Haven’t Done That by Tara McCarthy
3. The Sex Life of My Aunt by Mavis Cheek
4. A Round-Heeled Woman by Jane Juska
5. Thoughts While Having Sex by Stephanie Lehmann

Review: The Sexual Life of Catherine M. by Catherine Millet

As the title might suggest, this is a very graphic memoir, by turns equally salacious and detached. The critics found it highbrow, claiming it is a feminist statement and a reimagining of feminine sexuality. Personally, I thought it was more likely to be a case of the emperor having no clothes. A memoir detailing Millet's sexual life, from her childhood fantasies to her participation in group orgies and swinging to her open marriage, this is open and unashamed. But it is also deadly dull. Yes, a book about sex that makes you want to die a little, and not in the way of la petite mort.

I found it a little (okay, a lot) disturbing that Millet claims that some of her earliest memories are her sexual fantasies about group sex. It certainly makes one wonder what sorts of things a child her age had been exposed to in order to know enough to have these vivid and detailed fantasies at such a young age. The casualness of the sexual encounters surprised me, including the complete lack of worry about mundane things like protection or disease (condoms are mentioned once while male partners' proclivities for seeing others' bodily fluids and contributing to them are mentioned as if unprotected sex is par for the course. Obviously clap was a common occurrence as she mentioned alternative outlets when she was suffering from it. And there was never a thought for the significant others of some of her more frequent partners, only a few of whom (the significant others, I mean) are mentioned as participants in the casual, free sex world that Millet inhabits. Obviously this is not a book for the squeamish or the prudish. The language used in the book, whether as a choice of the translator or true to the original, is fairly slang-y and confrontational but ironically, even the shocking use of casual terms for sexual organs and actions can't save this book from snoozeville.

Millet tries to draw some parallels to the art world in her discussion of space and number and in her description of scene but it all falls flat. This particular edition contains an afterwod where she tackles the criticism that her writing about something so personal is detached and unengaging, suggesting that those who make this criticism are missing the point. But her argument that the only way to write about or observe sex is in a detached manner, even if the author is the person indulging in it herself, rings false. As a matter of fact, it suggests that sexual encounters with Ms. Millet are probably fairly unemotional, unfulfilling experiences all the way around, despite her assertion that she is complimented all the time on her prowess. But technical prowess doesn't always equate to satisfaction. And this book proves it. Technically adept writing-wise, the reading offered no satisfaction, emotionally or intellectually. Oh, and color me a prude because the repeated graphic depictions of entangled bodies indulging in group sex, flashed kaleidoscopically throughout the text, first horrified me, then numbed me, and finally bored me to apathy. And I've just recently read there is a sequel either in the works or recently published. I plan on turning a blind eye to what I suspect is more intellectual masterbation (ironic given that it is over group and free sex, eh?) in book form.