Life with a new puppy: introducing Gatsby

For those of you who might be considering a furry new member of your family, take heed:

Your kids might finally be old enough to give you some privacy in the bathroom but the puppy will make 100% certain you aren't lonely in there. After all, there are such delectable smells. Such enticing toilet paper rolls. And the opportunity to bite at pants and underwear? How could any self-respecting small dog turn that down?

You re-learn to cover your yawns unless you like French kissing a dog. She's just trying to mine your back molars for any remnants of food the toothbrush might have missed and save you on dental bills. Because clearly you are starving your poor new baby. You never feed her at all, right?

Since we never feed our puppy, she helps rat on the kids when they have smuggled food somewhere it isn't supposed to be. It's good to have a critter that keeps them honest. The wrapper crinkles and joy in her little wriggly body give away the sneaks immediately. It's almost criminal to take the spoils away from her to throw away.

She also helps the kids pick-up their toys. And it does a parent's heart good to see such helpfulness when no one else in the house wants to remove Legos or Nerf gun bullets from the floor. Her pitching in to help could also teach the kids fiscal responsibility since it would take them far longer than a month of Sundays to pay for that $2000 foreign body removal bill from the vet. (Yeah, we've been there before.)

Her accidents are purely designed to remind you that all floors need washing multiple times a day. And sneaking off to poop in hidden corners really helps you hone your hide and seek skills, especially if you have company coming to meet the newest member of the family.

Waking you up at all hours (especially the ungodly ones) of the morning is simply designed to let you experience nature in all its different manifestations. If you weren't up at 3am, your chances of being dive-bombed by bats in search of the bugs gravitating to your body heat would be minimal. Who would want to miss that?! And you can certainly thank the fur-face for all those opportunities to see spectacular sunrises you'd otherwise have missed. And really, what is more beautiful than the sun rising over top of a dog taking a dump?

In addition to the sunrises, the early mornings are specially designed to jumpstart your day. Because if you don't get up and stay up, the puppy will romp all over your bed or whine pitiously (and loudly) in her kennel. So she's helping you get moving on all those chores you complain you never have enough time in the day to accomplish. Therefore her early morning encouragement is completely invaluable. So what if the lack of sleep makes you surly, snarly, and snappy? That just makes the puppy feel more at home because you are mimicking her dog mom's discipline.

Sleep deprivation, chewed up toys, shoes, and other assorted oddments, puddles and plops aside though, this new baby is far easier than a new baby of the human variety. At least this one is never going to grow up and sass me back!